Interestingly enough, while the tonga have a word for our version of 'sorry,' they use the English to express empathy and compassion. While walking with a group from church through the bush, I tripped on a root and hurt my toe. Instead of laughing (like I might instinctively do if a friend was in the same predicament), the tonga women said, 'Oh sorry, sorry.' They felt what I felt.
Tonga children show the utmost respect towards parents, teachers, and those older, much unlike the United States. Part of why this is is because from the very beginning, children have a role to play in order to help the family survive, whether it be washing dishes, helping prepare food, or gathering supplies. Children here know their duties and what us expected of them.
The tonga people also show respect through listening. In America, there is an urgency to fill every gap in a conversation, to prevent 'awkward pauses.' The problem is that oftentimes in order to do such, more effort is put into thinking about what to say next rather than listen to what the other is saying. In contrast, people here truly listen and think. Therefore it's not uncommon to sit in silence for seconds or even minutes. There is a peace in simply sitting an enjoying another's presence.
This was especially true when I visited a family who lost a son to AIDS (the statistics say AIDS infects 25% of this population, but this number only represents those who have been tested) . As we approached the property, I saw many people sitting on the ground in clusters: men, women, and children who were either the immediate family, extended family, or friends of the man who passed away. They all sat still and spoke quietly as they grieved the loss. Many people from the community also came to offer condolences through tonga-style handshakes and simple presence; people filtered in and out quietly and respectfully.
I, along with Olivia and 2 orphanage house moms, went to each cluster, shaking hands tonga-style but saying very little. Because I have never attended a tonga funeral, I watched Ba Balita closely. When she shook someone's hand, I shook their hand. When she knelt down to sit with someone, I did the same. When she was quiet, I was quiet. It was a humbling experience.
Modesty truly is a relative concept and looks different wherever you go. To the tonga people, a woman wearing pants, shorts, or a skirt above knee-length is perceived as a prostitute; the lower half of a woman's body is seen as the sexual part, whereas breasts are seen as tubes for feeding babies. Therefore, many woman have no problem exposing themselves during breast feeding or changing clothes. To prove this point, I'll just say that I was not expecting to see the same women expose herself twice within the course of 2 hours with no second thought of my presence. Aside from this, children often go without underwear or pants, and always go swimming nude.
Before leaving the United States, I remember listening to a person on Christian radio enthusiastically talk about the experience of collecting pairs of shoes then delivering them to 'less fortunate children.' While this and other efforts are executed with good hearts, they are also done in ignorance. What many don't realize is that when children grow up without shoes, their feet grow strong muscles and a tough, calloused exterior; children and adults do just fine without shoes. However, when these children and adults are given shoes and begin to wear them, their feet and muscles lose their toughness and strength, thereby leading to injury if the shoes are later removed. This, not to mention that children quickly outgrow shoes and that these donations hurt the local economy, are strong reasons to truly understand a situation before treating it as a crisis. Americans need to realize that most of the time, a people group that to us is struggling really is doing just fine, and that we can learn much from them.
The concept of dating is a foreign concept to the tonga. In the United States, many operate with a test drive mentality: we'll see how things go with no initial promise of committing. For the tonga, if a man sees someone he'd like to marry, then he will intentionally pursue marriage.
If a couple is 'dating,' it is assumed they are sleeping with each other with no plans of marrying. There is no middle ground. This is perhaps why being alone with someone of the opposite gender is seen as scandalous, and why fathers are not allowed to associate with daughter in laws, as these relations could be misinterpreted.
As with any culture, there are also negative parts of the tonga culture, one being alcoholism. Many men drink in excess, especially during seasons of little work. This leaves the wife and children suffering financially, emotionally, and physically, as the husband often comes home and beats the family.
Tonga wives have very little say in the family, and many husbands believe it is their duty to beat their wives so to teach them a lesson. In addition, polygamy is a common practice, with some men having 4 or 5 wives and dozens of children. However, Christian men do not practice polygamy.
Evangelistic efforts in the eyes of those coming into the culture is often perceived as wildly successful, because the tonga are very enthusiastic in accepting Christ. What they may not realize is that the tonga are superstitious and animistic, meaning that they believe in the forces of many spirits and gods. They fear certain animals, such as the chameleon. They wear special bracelets and anklets to ward off evil spirits. They dedicate each child to a different god. And if they are angry with someone, they can put a curse on them, which can result in death.
Therefore, when evangelists present Jesus, to the tonga they add him to a repitoir of other gods they believe in an effort to protect themselves and their families from evil spirits. However, they don't accept him as supreme lord and savior. This is why providing the context of the all-powerful God and the messed up state of humans must come before presenting the good news. Without it, it is like putting a roof on a house with no foundation or walls; Jesus' promises have nothing to stand on. A context is non-negotiable. And while there is a time and place for evangelism, it must come through long-term relationships and discipleship.
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