There have been many thoughts going through my head in the past month.
First, how has the process of finding and committing to a ministry gone so fast?
About a month ago, a mentor and friend challenged me with, "So, what's next?" She suggested I think about serving God in a different capacity given this particular time in my life: I'm young, have an education, am debt-free, single, healthy, and willing to be used by God. Why NOT do something 'crazy'?
During the conversation, I was reminded of a dream I've held since high school, to
serve, learn from, and show God's love to children living in
challenging circumstances in a cross-cultural environment. I was pumped thinking about the possibility of combining this long-held desire with this opportune time in life in order to bring the dream to fruition.
And then I said, "Ok God! I'm ready! Send me NOW!"
But then I had to pause, take a breath, and realize that God's time-table is not my own. I had to be prepared that direction may not come for months or even years.
But in a few short weeks, after much prayer, research, and conversation, everything seemed to fall into place. While many doors quickly shut, Mission of Love opened its door wide. I had a great sense of peace about it, and people kept popping up who were in some capacity connected to Zambia or Africa at large. All these connections within a few short weeks.
Second, in the past few weeks God has been bringing my sin to the forefront of my mind. This was new. For most of my life I though I was a pretty good person. Perfect? Heck no. But pretty good.
But now, with my sin like a blinking red dot on my forehead, I realized that what is "pretty good" in human standards, is detestable to God. And I wondered..."How could God ever use me? I'm far too prideful, self-centered, and selfish."
Ironically, both before and during this season, I've been reading through the story of Moses. If you recall, Moses was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. He was a murderer, had a speech impediment of some sort, and did not believe in God's unlimited power. But after he accepted God's call to free the Israelites, Moses slowly came to believe how powerful and trustworthy God really was! Moses could see that God could use a messed up person to accomplish amazing things.
I can relate to Moses' pre-call attitude. In many ways I felt disqualified due to sin and lack of ability in various areas. And in some ways felt God could not redeem or use me. The book Experiencing God by Henry T. Blackaby challenged me to take the focus off my inadequacies and on to the mysteriousness of what God can do through me (in spite of me). And it's always a good idea to take a big ole' bite of humble pie!
Third, I've been challenged to ask myself, "Why am I doing this?"
As I've been reading When Helping Hurts by Brian Fikkert, I've had to take a serious look at my intentions for going. To be honest, part of them included that I wanted to feel like a good person, be recognized as selfless and spiritual, and feel important by helping people.
It's embarrassing to acknowledge that my motivations were rooted in my own feelings of worthiness. However, as a family member said, no one's intentions will ever be completely pure. We are neither all good or all bad, but we must learn to hold both pieces simultaneously. This certainly doesn't excuse sin, but rather acknowledges the reality of our sin condition while we live on this earth.
After recognizing these ugly parts of myself, I again wondered, "How could God ever use me? I'm far too selfish." But yet again, being the loving God that he is, reassured me through stories in Scripture how he specializes in using screwed up people. Praise God!
So after thought and prayer, I came up with a list of (hopefully God-honoring) reasons why I'm doing this:
To learn and be challenged by a new culture
To use my gifts and talents to serve others
To show the love of Christ to others
To understand what it looks like to empower (rather than help) the materially poor
To form friendships with people who see things differently than I do
To experience Christianity in a different culture
To experience missionary life, both the 'easy' parts AND the challenges
To get a better idea of where God may be calling me in the future after the summer concludes
And ...maybe to come home with some awesome stories :)
I hope I can add more (God-honoring) intentions as I continue to prepare for this summer.
