Personal Challenges

What's a trip like this without a few challenges? I've created a nice bulleted list containing 4. Enjoy.  

1. Physical exhaustion.  This is an obvious one, considering I had over 40 hours of travel, had a significant time change, and have a new diet. I'm finding I'm finally starting to have more energy and be more myself, after 4 days here. 

2. Emotional exhaustion. It's tiring having to enter into a completely new setting with all new people. I'm constantly learning and figuring out how life works here while getting to know 9 people at main camp, plus around 20 kids and a few local moms at the orphanage, plus people from other ministries who come and go.  I feel like I have to be 'on' all the time. For an introvert at heart, this poses a challenge. However, as time goes on, and I get to know these people more, interacting gets less  effort-full and more rewarding.  

3. What role do I play? Where do I fit in? 

This is a big challenge right now. As an individual from the US, I have been trained to be as efficient and busy as possible, to see a task and set to it! Here in Africa, things are a bit more lax. Get used to waiting, taking your time, and spending just as much if not more time investing in relationships than tasks. 

 I desperately want a role, a specific way to utilize my time each day, but all I see is a gaping window of time with unspecific, ambiguous possibilities to somehow fill it. I'm much more comfortable having someone giving me a job to do; here I must find the task myself and then find a way to do it. 

 I fear being seen as lazy, unhelpful, and unmotivated but I still am learning the basic rhythm of daily life, seeking to discover possibilities to use my artistic gifts, all while still facing challenges #1 and #2. 

Thankfully, I'm not alone.  Two other individuals in camp expressed they strongly felt this way when they first arrived here, and at times still very much feel it presently. One individual and I talked about how important it is to ask God into the ambiguous, asking him to lead us through the day, trusting he'll provide meaningful work. 

4. Insecurities and Comparing. 

Am I in high school again? It sure has been feeling that way. Insecurity and comparing myself to other volunteers and missionaries have been around every corner. 

Here's a glimpse into my thoughts:  Do I have what it takes to make it here? Am I enough? I'm certainly not as helpful/selfless/motivated/energetic/patient/competent/talented/etc as that person! Am I a good enough Christian? Why aren't I as happy/funny as that person? Do people even like me? 

It's humbling to admit these weaknesses; I feel very exposed. However, it is freeing to know others can be let into my world. Hopefully as I  able to practice vulnerability, others will feel permission to do so as well, which always leads to deeper relationships.